Flashback into work culture
I am back in Switzerland for two weeks and took the opportunity to catch up with former colleagues.
Outside of work, they’re all amazing people with whom I love spending time. They are nice, smart, witty, interesting. But put them in the work environment and most will become someone else.
I’d forgotten how much gossip and backbiting went on in that company. Few conversations didn’t end in criticizing someone. It brought back moments I would have preferred forgetting. Like this time when one of my colleagues said, “burnout is due to people’s inability to manage their time efficiently”, in the presence of another colleague who had experienced burnout.
I’ve been thinking about why good people turn toxic in certain environments. George Saunders put it best in his analysis of Chekhov’s work(1): “The resistance in the story […] comes perhaps from the most radical idea of all: that every human being is worthy of attention, and that the origin of every good and evil capability of the universe may be found by observing a single, even very humble, person and the turning of his or her mind.” This quote reminds me that darkness is part of all of us. Put us in the wrong environment and our worst tendencies are amplified.
That was the case when my colleagues and I went to work. It might be true only in this specific company, which, for one reason or another, had developed a toxic culture. More likely, it is a broader issue rooted in corporate culture, from which some companies manage to be positive exceptions. Hierarchical structures tend to encourage competition over collaboration. We are constantly compared and evaluated. Being higher in the hierarchy implies a form of superiority, which often translates into a sense of entitlement. A colleague once told me, in confidence, “there is a good reason why we are in leadership positions and they are not.”
And it all came back to me.
I remembered witnessing colleagues praising someone one minute, then tearing them down the next. Or shifting responsibility onto others, usually those lower in the corporate hierarchy, when things went wrong. The worst part is that I let it happen, making myself an accomplice.
My stress grew exponentially over the years, and I couldn’t count on anyone to help alleviate it, not even the people I trusted and liked, because I didn’t want to burden them with my pain.
I caught myself falling into the “let’s criticize someone who isn’t in the room” trap, an event usually followed by a set of sleepless nights. I knew I was failing to change the culture and felt like I was letting people down.
Maybe I wasn’t equipped to change the culture single-handedly, to hold on to my values and promote them without being worn down. From the people I’ve met, I know that some individuals do manage to stand strong in such environments. Whatever murky waters they swim in, they remain true to themselves and refuse to let anything bend their values, even though it likely comes at a great cost, whether to their health or to their career. They are my heroes.
I woke up every day with a ball in my stomach. Being at the office drained what little energy I had left. I experienced genuine tunnel vision, and I can tell you it is not only a figure of speech. The darkness was taking over, literally.
On the bright side, this is probably what gave me the strength to resign and live my dream. If it hadn’t been for this feeling of losing myself, both mentally and physically, my passion for science and my compliance with societal expectations would likely have remained too strong to allow me to leave everything behind.
This glimpse into my past life erased some of the doubts I had about my current choice. It reminded me why I left in the first place. I’m so grateful for the freedom that comes with being financially independent from work. I might return one day, but only if I find that rare company with the right culture.
(1) A Swim in a Pond in the Rain – Georges Saunders